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  • Beware of Potpourri

    I love potpourri. Let's leave it at that. I have it - some in bowls around the house. Potpourri gives your home a fresh holiday scent. I sense no argument from you. The story I'm about to tell should serve as warning. POTPOURRI WARNING. Consider placing your potpourri in objects other than shallow dishes. I'm talking about the potpourri that is small pine-cones, twigs, dried flowers, and small chips of wood. In a dimly lighted room, potpourri can be mistaken for a party snack. Ask my Dad, who while trying to chew a mouthful of potpourri asked, "What the hell is this"? He thought it was a little dry.

  • I like Cardboard Tubes

    I like cardboard tubes. I always have. It's the best thing about wrapping presents - the left over cardboard tubes. They make great swords. It's fun to thwack your kids in the head with them. Most of all - it's fun to speak into them. Grab a tube and talk into it. That is quality fun. If you don't see the value of speaking into a cardboard tube, you haven't done it recently. The joy of the tube has been lost to you for too long. Try it. Advanced tube play includes - blowing up balloons and attaching them to the ends of a long tube. You can then pretend it's a barbell and you're the worlds strongest person. You can use them as binoculars in your make believe world. I keep my tubes nearby all Christmas season. Whenever I need to raise my spirits - or those around me - I break out the old dependable tubes. Enjoy your tubes, they've always been there - you were just too quick to call them trash. Sometimes it's the little things right under your nose that make all the difference, and there's nothing more fun than "thwacking" your kids with a tube

  • How I stay in Good Mood!

    I'm often asked, how do you keep up the good mood? I think about it often myself. How could a person who gets up at 4am, and is behind a microphone at 5 - in front of 80,000 people - maintain a good mood? Easy. I don't allow myself to get sick like you do. I maintain the grin with a cocktail of over the counter medicines, my favorite of which - has changed. Since the late 70's, I've been a Vicks Daycare man. In the last few years the name changed to DayQuil. I recommended it to anyone who asked. I swore by this stuff. I could have aches, pains, stuffy nose, headache, coughing - whatever - and DayQuil cleared it right up - at least enough to go on the air a few hours. My sick days over the last 15 years tell the story. I bet I've only missed 3 or 4 days - and those were because of toothaches & back pain. DayQuil. The answer to my prayers. I gave it to my kids too. They didn't miss school. BUT THE DAYQUIL RIDE IS OVER. The meth addicts have messed it all up. Vicks, in an effort to keep their medications in reach of the public, (not behind glass cases) have changed the active ingredient - the decongestant called pseudoephedrine has been replaced with an antihistamine called doxylamine succinate - which as far as I can tell - doesn't do a damn thing. I can no longer recommend DayQuil to anybody. The people who continue to ask, "How do you do it", likely will now be asking the person doing my show - because I will be home sick, without my magic pills, because the meth addicts screwed it up for everybody.

  • Merry Christmas from Kansas.

  • Hamburgers are Difficult

    In 5 weeks my father turns 75 years old. He's losing his ability to order a hamburger. He admits this. The thought of never again being able to order a hamburger frightens him. He's not senile. He doesn't show signs of Alzheimers. At times, he's more lucid than me. Then why on Earth can't he seem to order a hamburger. He can - it's just becoming a more lengthy process. The problem is - it's almost impossible to get just a hamburger. There's a Big Mac, A Quarter Pounder, A Whopper, A Bacon Bacon Burger, A Jumbo Jack, A Cowboy Burger, The Doublestack, The Deluxe Doublestack, The Thickburger, The Monster Thickburger, The Big Mouth Burger - Jeez - I think you get the idea. My father wants a hamburger - so he orders a hamburger. The kid at the window or the counter then reminds him, "UUHH, We don't uh have a uh Hamburger. Do you mean an Old Roy?" "What's an Old Roy?" This is where the communication completely breaks down. My father wants a hamburger with tomato, lettuce, onion & mustard. No one sells it that way and he wants to know why. Sure, he could go to Burger King and "Have it his way" - but he'd freeze at the window trying to figure out if the Big King is the burger he's looking for. He panics - "Gimme an Old Roy." "Sir, we don't have an Old Roy - how about a Whopper?" "What comes on that?" "Mustard, Ketchup, mayonnaise, Lettuce, Onion, Pickle & Tomato!". "Well that's out of the question - it has mayo." "Would you like us to hold the mayo?" "Do you have anything that doesn't come with mayo in the first place?" "No sir." "Then give me a Deluxe Thickburger!" "Sir, we don't have a Deluxe Thickburger." - And it goes on and on and on. My fathers photo is displayed inside drive-ups and behind fast food counters all across Menard County Illinois. No doubt tonight he visited Dairy Queen and asked for an Old Roy. Would someone just fix this man a hamburger???? Who cares what he calls it - you know what he means.

  • You be Judge Kellie.

  • I need an Apprentice.

    I need about 20 contestants. You will shadow me for 16 weeks. You will scour the internet non stop looking for content for my radio show. You will contact companies looking for goofy prizes to give away on my show. You will take calls from listeners after the show, answering questions or apologizing. You will be in the studio 15 minutes before me with 2 pairs of headphones and 2 cups of coffee. One black and one with cream and sugar. You will have news laid out for Kellie in little piles by subject. You will have the weather forecasts in place with the current temperature. You will brief Brian & Kellie on the following: Has anything burned down? Has anyone been assassinated? Are we in another war? Plane crash? Slick streets? School closings? Anything that will allow me to skate in just seconds ahead of 5am. This will allow me to sleep as late as possible. I also require a great pen and highlighter. Position it just to the right of the board along with a pair of scissors. Find me a paperclip. Place it there too - I often need a paperclip. Turn up all the lights. At my age I need all the light possible. Oversee anything printed on a computer, and be sure to use 16 font size. This way I won't strain to read. Watch the phones for the little lights and gently nudge me when the calls come in - I may be looking the other way. Don't speak a lot. Doing what I do requires too much concentration to engage me in much conversation. How about you raise your hand. I will fire one contestant per week. If, at the end of it all, you are the last person standing, you will be awarded a job paying minimum wage. The job will last till probably 4 or 5pm, long after I've gone for the day. This job comes with no guarantee. If you begin to irritate me, you will be told to leave immediately. E-mail me to apply. The contest begins when I have 20 applicants. Brian Pierce is an equal opportunity employer.

  • Behold!!!! - THE PIZZA CONE!

  • I love Radios as much as Radio.

  • 26 Lanes - 2 Open

    Go to any large retail outlet. They have multiple checkout lanes. Let's use my local Target for example. Saturday late afternoon - just 8 days prior to Christmas - 26 lanes, 2 open. How could this be? Why go to the expense of building all those lanes with little conveyors & cash registers - then stock them with bags - and not use them? Is there a time this retailer feels they might be busy enough to open all 26? If it's not 8 days prior to Christmas - when would this magic 26 lane day be? Question is, was this Target busy? Yes. The 2 lanes that were open had shoppers 10 deep. The lines stretched out and to the side. Management finally noticed and sent in a backup. A singular backup. One person to open one more lane. This puts their open checkout percentage to a staggering 14%. This then creates the rush for the open register. The people that bolt the soonest make the new line, often coming from deep in the previous lines. People should be checked in the order they arrive at the checkouts - the way retailers open new lanes creates a rush and hard feelings between shoppers. 26 lanes. Where are the checkers? I knew before I went shopping. They aren't even at the store. They are home on a day off. Those that are on the property - are elsewhere in the store, stocking, straightening up or cleaning. Companies are doing more with less. It's business in 2011. These retail employees aren't doing anything wrong. They're trained to do what they're told. They'd head to the front to check out customers if they were told to do so. But they won't be - ever. The 26 lanes will not be open all at once ever again.

  • I like Starched Shirts

    I like starched shirts. There are two things I believe are the little things that make life worth living - starched shirts and drinking straws. I like starched shirts more, because I could slurp from a cup or glass, but I couldn't go on without starched shirts. If I lost everything and lived under an overpass, I'd crawl from my cardboard box home - wearing a heavy starched shirt. I'd beg for money during the day, then walk to the cleaners. I'd walk in - the employees would be startled because of my un-washed appearance - as I presented them with my pile of button down dress shirts. They'd ask, "Do you want starch?" I'd respond, "Of course - make it heavy, ya know I live under that overpass down there, and I don't want to look wrinkled sleeping on the pavement." I'd then pay with the change I collected from generous people. It's just occured to me - I need a sign that says "Help me starch my shirts." I wouldn't have it say "Will work for starched shirts", because I would have no intention of working, it's why I'm under the overpass in the first place.

  • LBJ Orders Pants. Yes. Lyndon. On the phone.

  • FPO

    The Best Use of College Textbooks.

  • This Lottery Story has it all!.

    So an alleged illegal immigrant wins $750,000 in a lottery, but because he's, you know, illegal, he asks his boss to cash it for him and then give him the proceeds. At least, that's his story. And after the boss didn't give him the money, he allegedly threatened the boss and his family, landing in jail, while, in turn, he sued the boss for the proceeds. So this story has a Jingle Jumbo Bucks win, terroristic threats, illegal immigration, and a lawsuit. That's almost too much for one story.

  • FPO

    Iron Man goes to the Bathroom.

  • Let's Eat the Couch Cushions.

  • The 2011 State of the Union Drinking Game - for Tuesday!

    The 2011 State of the Union Drinking Game.

  • FPO

    Red Lobster and Olive Garden at the same time!!!!!!

    Red Lobster & Olive Garden share a parent company. In Florida, they have combined the two restaurants into one location. Is this a great idea? Maybe. What restaurant pairings would you like to see?

  • Do Nothing for 2 Minutes.

    Do nothing for two minutes. Can you do it?

  • Hello Senator. How's it hanging?

    Is it significant that the Virginia state Senator who is pushing a bill to have sex offenders castrated is named Emmett Hanger? Can't make that up, folks.

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