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Dear Family and Friends ,
I know you were eager to accept our iinvitation to Thanksgiving dinner. We want to let you know that we have planned a wonderful day for all of you. Here are some of the highlights.
The entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we included our dog, Newton, in decorating by having him track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will be using paper towels with cute little turkeys printed on it.
Please do not throw away your plastic cup when finished. We will provide a sharpie so you can write your name on it for locating later.
We will be dining somewhat later than planned. As is the holiday tradition at our house, we will most likely forget to take the turkey from the freezer and it will still be hard enough to cut diamonds at the time it was suppose to go in the oven.
Ignore the loud sound of something drumming coming from the other room, even if it sounds like a turkey going around in the dryer.
A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.
There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room.
And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.
The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning DO NOT,, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.
For the duration of the meal, we will refrain from any comments about the lumps in the gravy. Just push them to the side of your plate.
Instead of offering a choice of scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie I purchased at the grocery store. The garnish will be the delicious non-dairy whipped topping served directly from the plastic container. Glob on as much as you like as long as there is at least a sliver of pie underneath.
Remember, the first person to the couch will get dibs on it for the rest of the afternoon. The TV will be turned to maximum volume in an attempt to drown out the snoring.
We can’t wait to see you all. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!